edit: Just so you guys know I'm not feeling shit about all this ALL the time, it's reoccurring and goes away and comes quickly. And there's obviously more to this BUT it's probably too explicit to write about, but if you wanna know just ask, I'll try my best to freak you out. I know everyone's got their own problems and I'm not saying my problem outweigh theirs, it's just getting all this off my chest onto the internet is far better than singling out a particular person.

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It's been a while but I think it's finally time for me to come clean, I'm sick of lying to myself and to the people around me to care about me. I thought I'd do it on here so at least it's out there and I won't back out of it like I do usually.

To my tafe friends, I really don't know what you think of me. To my work mates well I'm really not as twisted as you think I am. Everyone of you keeps my life going and keeps my world turning. Even if I don't say it out loud I appreciate every one of you.

Before I was able to keep things contained because I had a girlfriend, something to keep my mind on while I let these dark things of my life slide by but even then I never really told her the entire truth and I'll admit right here and now that I have really bad trust issues.

It's taken me a while to realise this but I wasn't really completely happy with myself because of that. I kinda hide things by spacing out and I"m sure you fellas at tafe have seen that many times. At work I'd walk off and clean something or keep myself occupied with something else.

Growing up, being alone is all I've ever known, even with a foster (somewhat) family I never really seemed to fit in so naturally that's where I picked up my awesome acting skills don't worry I don't pull that dodgey crap on anyone anymore unless I'm feeling evil. I'm actually doing it to this guy called Adam at work, I gotta say I can be a manipulative son of a bitch if I wanted to. But let's get back on track, that's when my trust issues started, I honestly believed no one cared about me and that if I dare open up that I would get hurt, hurt badly. Being alone doesn't really bother me. Live alone for long enough the insanity passes and you just accept it.

Eventually it lead to drug abuse and just doing reckless things, my poor mum didn't even know what pot was and she just said it smelt nice, if only she knew. That sticker in my wallet? she thought it was pretty, she'd prolly kill me if she knew it was an acid tab. Stealing their car late at night for joy rides, I honestly don't know how I'm still alive from the amount of stupid shit I've pulled while in the car. They caught on eventually and it sparked it off and pretty much disowned me. Like I care, they never really did much for me anyway right?

To make it worse I've made friends at the time who were into asian gang business, I don't know what mission I was on.. it wasn't for thrills and it wasn't for a place where I belong I think I just honestly wanted a good reason to die (don't worry I've been treated for that, honestly). Had massive amounts of money transferred into my bank account and it was frozen and it took few years to fix up with the authorities.

The only reason I can say for what I did was that I was a kid and I was lost.. still am. I started to calm down when I went into university. I wasn't happy and it seemed like life was pointless and lead nowhere, I had no ambitions or goals whatsoever cept to wish life end (yeah I know sounds emo doesn't it). But then this great girl came into my life and her name was Alexandra. I've had a few girls here and there before but I'm old fashioned even if I am that fucked up I waited for that special person. Up until about earlier this year I still thought she was that one special person. She's still special but only because we went through so much together, she's family now.

During these years she and her family has managed to get some truth out of me, for me to start trusting in a sense and got me into what I love doing which is arts and design. they gave me a purpose to live on, they gave me a goal to reach for and that is to keep them happy. It's almost a repetitive thing, it's like I cling onto 'life', call me a parasite. It's what I do, I cling on to those who has life unknowingly causing them pain for my own survival. People can tell me differently but that's what I feel I was doing and all I can say is sorry. Also during these 5 years it's made me realise what a fucking dickhead I've been to my family, even if they are non existent maybe I should've tried harder to make it work.

All this has just made my trust issues even worse and my self image went down the drain. It doesn't mean I'm a grumpy and bitter person, I've just come to accept my life has been this and will probably continue on to be like this.

A friend at work has gotten me to the point where I almost opened up to her but at the last minute it was like a reflex action and I just closed up entirely. I don't know why but I could not say the words like I wanted to and no matter how hard I try to get myself to say it they just wouldn't come out. I went off at her last night and I feel like the most horrible person in the world and all I can wish for is her forgiveness because she deserves better than that from me. I like her and I pray to god that she still likes me as well. I think it all comes down to not having the folks around. I had a nice chat with another work mate last night, she didn't have her dad around when she grew up and we both realise that everything that goes wrong in our life we always blame it on that reason.

I've never met another person who I could talk about these things openly because I know she wouldn't judge me because she understands. She said exactly what I would say to anyone else "I can cheer you up but all I can say is it's up to you to make yourself believe, and to know I understand what goes on in your head". I wanted to be there for her since she had a bad night yesterday but we ended up sharing our sob stories. She understands too well just what I need.

A hug.

All I ever wanted was for someone to say it's alright. I find it funny how here I am thinking young people wouldn't understand but she's probably one of the youngest being only seventeen and she knew exactly.

People say I'm a nice person at work but it's far from that, I'm not a hard worker because I'm nice or anything but because I believe I'm not worthy of friendship or love because I'm so low in the social chain that the least I can do is to make others happy. I guess that's what keeps me going at times. To make others happy without thinking about myself... it's the best way to repent what I've done in the past. I don't even believe in repentance...

To my dearest friend at AMF you do mean a lot to me and sometimes I wish you didn't have to dig so deep but it's because of you that I was able to open up again, you have a special place in the freaky twisted world of erik and I don't want to lose you like I have with many others, not this time. I promised a friend who past away last year I'd find myself again and I still want to deliver on that promise. You shouldn't have to take all the shit from me because I'm still depressed over my stupid life instead you deserve the awesome erik whom you bag out and whom bag YOU out in return

It really is okay to say you don't like me like that because I honestly will understand and I prefer the truth than a white lie, it's not gonna change the fact that you're still an awesome person nontheless. I don't dwell too much on what I've worked out and hopefully I work out my stupid life soon.

To my tafe friends, can't say I won't promise to space out because when my mind is on the work, it stays on the work, my multitasking skills are horribly shit. But I promise I'll try a little better.. might even be awkward lol.

I still stick by what I say before, I'm happy with my life in where it's going at the moment and I just need to iron out some big bumps out. Doctor's actually recommended me to go back on the pills but yeah.. that stuff makes me manic so if I choose to go back on it you might see a crazy erik.

til next time.