A friend of mine once asked me how do I keep going when things are down, how is it that I'm able to remain calm and stay positive when the world is crumbling beneath me. How is it that I'm able to take shit from people, continuously taken advantage of and repeatedly back stabbed? He doesn't seem to understand it and he would ask the same questions over and over again.

My good friend, there are things I don't understand myself. I don't know why I do these things. The truth is I just don't know how to cope with it all. When shit hits the fan there's nothing you can do but to pick yourself back up one step at a time. If you somehow trip over those steps, you just simply have to pick yourself back up and start further down the stairs. There's countless times where I felt like I just wanted to sit down and never get back up and a few times I did.

My good friend as transparent as I may seem I hide my true self in fears that people won't like that they see underneath. You once said to me that I'm far from what they call damaged goods and laughed it off and I totally agree! I could be way more damaged right now but those unconscious decisions I made in those dire times saved what's left of me. No words could really describe the amount of pain and torture I've endured over the years. There are things you forget, there's things you forgive and there are things that you just have to live with and there are also the good old friend Mr Jack Daniels.

My good friend I'm far from calm and collected. Insomnia is a curse brought by endless nights of pondering if life will ever get better but I tend to look on the bright side as when I can't sleep I manifest those feelings into paint and art on a canvas I've hid in the garage. You once said to me it's as if I'm stoned all the time and that I'm not easily phased by anything. I've experienced a car ride as a child, speeding down the highway at 230km/h when a lunatic father wanted to kill us all. Endless nights of being caned because I wanted out of the family and the few times I succeeded to brave the freezing cold in run down houses or parks. To make it worse, being behind the drivers seat blazing through mountain passes hoping for the car to slide off its tracks or pretending brick walls are punching bags and then getting acquainted with my art scalper. So really, surprise me. If you can top the adrenaline rushes I've had during those times then show me.

My good friend you seem to think I smile a lot and well, that frankly, isn't something I can help. I naturally like to laugh because I find things around me amusing. I've grown up in a family filled with drama, all I've known is despair so it's quite pleasant to have a joke and see other people happy. Sometimes just being alive, just the thought of being able to live another day makes me 'happy'.

But my good friend you're quite right about everything you've said. These feelings don't simply disappear. The other night the thought of ending my life crossed my mind once again and I freaked out. So much so that tears started streaming down my cheeks and I started shaking violently. Could I possibly have spiraled down again into depression?

That's something I'd rather not think about.

You asked me what keeps me going and I answered 'faith'. Truth is I'm not sure why either but something tells me to keep going. You once said I weren't crazy for being so logical and able to work out situations even when I'm on the receiving end of it. But my friend you are me, if it's not insanity for one to argue with oneself then what is?

Time to book myself in with the doctor.

It's been a while, and by that boy! I usually rant every friggin second day. I love complaining about shit haha. Friend of mine's dA update made me write something up too. Time to get some shit off the chest as usual so..

*warning don't read if you don't want to, slap yourself silly for doing it later*

Anyhow, I managed to pass all of my subjects in qantm after that massive catch up. How I got there I have no idea but I'm yet again somewhat impressed with myself. And damn did those caffeine pills help with a slight side effect of staying up for 2 whole days and sleeping for one whole day, GREAT! Idis still hasn't marked my flash shit and it's really starting to annoy me.

Aside from that me and alx had a talk recently (I really don't like the term ex), she was upset how she didn't really have many friends to hang out with. In a way I've always blamed myself. During the times we were together I tried to introduce her to mine but it never really worked out because my friends are from good old suburbia and she's an arty/actor chick. Long story short I invested more time in her because I loved her at the time and I wanted the best for her, in doing so I lost my own friends in terms of how close I was to them. Part of me feel that because I had been the security blanket that she never sought friends of her own and during a vital time (for me and her) of our growing up that this important stage of our lives of making friends became non-existent. I felt really bad for her because on some level I still love her heaps.

It made me wonder and realise I'm actually on the same boat. I don't have my own little group to hangout with. I don't have close friends to talk to when I feel down and when I do I seem to close myself from them. I don't exactly know is there's something wrong with me, or there's a sign on my face saying "don't approach this guy or make conversation with him because he isn't a nice person" but people don't tend to like me very much. Unlike alx who's more affected by this I tend to not dwell into it but in some respect I guess I want to know the answer too. I know that I don't have enough money to go out with friends. I know that I had a fucked up past that I can't share and I know that for someone my age a load of responsibility have been handed down to me but I really try to not let it take control of my life.

I guess I can only boil it down to that I'm really not the sort of person that someone wants to approach. Yet I have an exceptional knack for beggars and those cancer council people. I just wish someone would give me the answer as to why. You'd think I'd be better and keep to myself but I can only explain it with that stupid faith I have again. The most stupid part of all this is that alx is the person who understand me the most and I can't really ever EVER call her a friend because it's just not possible, seeing it began with friendship.

What can I do ay? nothing. put on a brave face, keep smiling. If people don't really like me then there's nothing much I can do about it because I've never been this true to myself before, no more secrets, nothing. If the person I am isn't worth a damn then at least I can tell myself I'm not completely worthless.

Well well my dear DeivantArt it's been a while since I spoke to you and funny how things never change! As usual I'm writing about shit all and will probably starting ranting right about..................now!

The animation course hasn't exactly been an eye opener for me. All the modules apart from 3d modelling don't interest me in the slightest but I seem to be putting an extraordinarily amount of effort into these assessments. I guess as I've said before that this will probably be the last course I'll study before moving on with my life again.

Fact is that I don't feel as if though I've changed since that day I stepped out of highschool, it's been an amazing journey but time passed in the blink of an eye. It doesn't faze me but I have to admit that I'm starting to wonder about which direction I want to take my life. Chances are that I'll go back to my coffee/bar jobs or continue my employment with Blizzard Activision.

The hardships these few years taught me one thing: Dreams and Ambitions breathes creation and life. The life gets slowly sucked away when that creativity is exhausted day after day. The industry values creativity, not the creative person, they are nothing more than an asset, a machine that churns out ideas after ideas. I want to be able to shut off my brain and stop it from buzzing, I want to enjoy chatting with my friends, I want to be able to go home and relax and not take work back home with me. Studying at college reminded me of aspiration and dreams and what it felt like to live again. And for the first time since stepping foot into the design centre I'm back at the 70kilo mark which is impressive for me! I recall dwindling down to under 60, drawing, painting and designing to meet deadlines! It WAS harsh but wonderful and rewarding experiences.

I'm starting to realise the general quality of my work has improved significantly. Everything I do seems to be of professional standards and it's an amazing feeling it really is. It even shown through in the assessments for college! Mind you, I spent a shit load of time and put my heart and soul in it. The lecturers and teachers may not be the greatest but I've had my fair share of mucking around and I'll teach myself if I have to.

Though my 3D work isn't done I'm given til the start of next semester as my final deadline. I couldn't care less what mark I get as long as it's submitted. Note this down guys, always ALWAYS see your doctor! And I thought it was just a normal head cold *sigh*, it really really placed me behind and while everyone had done their second wave of assessments, I was still gathering research for the first wave.

I don't know what else to say really. I'll always bitch about the same old shit when it comes to my life. Lousy no good dad yada yada yada, longing for my real mum yada yada yada and wanting a place to belong bullshit. Yeah I do still wish for those but I'm just unfortunate, being alive is much better than being dead! Stupid depression.

AAAND! surprisingly I think I'm ready for a real relationship again. The hurt had past, the bitterness gone (well it HAS been a fucking long time now) and I just wanted to make sure I don't make a rebound out of some poor girl. Not like a boring and no good person like me will ever get another girl but it's the thought that counts right? I stick by my saying to weirded out psychology students, "I have a great self-confidence but a fuckall self-image". it works... it's plausible.... stop arguing with me. That and the fact I don't look remotely my age... I have no problem with 18 year olds but uh... some of them may have a problem with me. lol

Til the next time I fall over or the next time I post something, bye!

Pun intended. See further down.

I've been on the biggest artist block of my life. It's been almost two years since my brain could think up of something remotely creative. There was a time when I would just GO with whatever was in my mind. That was before I did my design and illustration course. For some reason I think it had 'trained' me all too well. Everything has to be thought through and referenced to the point I don't even feel creativity any more. sigh. Like I've always said I've got the skills now but I feel as if I've lost that special touch.


So mum's back, for good or not I'm not sure and do I care? probably not. It's been almost 2 weeks since she's been back and I've been NOT finding stuff. She loves to clean and chuck out shit that she thinks is, well... shit. I got back home to find everything so nice and tidy. My Stylus for my Wacom tablet is nowhere to be seen and in the bin I find photos of my pen pal and a few letters from her which all have very sentimental value to me. I thought yeah why not I'll let that one go, looked again into the bin and she had chucked out the bday card alx had made for me on my 22nd bday.

I was gutted like you would not believe. I dug a little deeper and the little toys alx had gotten me had ended up in there too! The NERVE of that woman! These are all things that shoulda gone into a time capsule because they were great memories. In the end what's done is done those things are now off to the tip and I guess I'll just build new happy memories

Things are getting better tho... slowly, as much as I have grown to hate my family I've also found a new appreciation for them. Thanks mum for the awesome bowl-cut.

Gotta love movies like "17 again" when miracles happen and good things come to bad people just because they realise their faults. No matter the morale or the biblical implications of this movie or however dull it was to the critics I still say we need more movies like this to lift people up.

Love is a funny thing it really is and I think the movie explains quite well how a person can drop everything for love and just how blinding it is. I loved the quote "when you're young everything seems like the end of the world". I don't think that applies to being young I think at every stage of our lives when something big goes wrong it's just some innate human reaction to think that way.

Unfortunately I can only say I've ever loved one person in my life so far and these movies tend to bring me back to those memories. Are they painful? no, not anymore. I use to lie to myself and say that letting her go is showing her how much I really love her but then the other part of me would say isn't that just giving up and practically handing her over to someone else without ever trying? Well now that I think back it's impossible to win. Love only ever works when it's returned, how can you make someone love you when that love is gone? It's denial... denial of something you invested in so much and not returned to you like you expected.

If I had a chance to start it all over again, I would do everything exactly the same because to me I never did anything wrong, if I was to change anything I just wish I had been happier or accepted my family sooner than later. Some may think a lover should understand and be there by your side but it really is burden. Even today I cannot say how sorry I am because words mean nothing and I can only continue to love her to pay back all the times I've weighed her down.

Many of my friends think I'm stupid and I guess I am. I've learnt to be selfish over the years because I've learnt that being selfless is the best way to send yourself into depression. Blame my upbringing is all I can say. My self-image and self confidence are probably non-existant no matter how many people tell me differently and just like not being able to make someone love you... you can't make me believe if I don't actually believe it myself. I've done some horrible things and I'm a horrible person but through these experiences I've become 'better'. So I'll say this again... my friends think I'm stupid and yeah... I am.

I'm stupid because I want to.

I love her with all my heart and I always will. Ever since the day I met her. I still remember that dorky girl sitting on the bench in an odd position outside the cinemas. She had the smile of an angel and the most gorgeous eyes in the world. Her voice was so sweet that I swore I would've melted and at that moment I thought to myself "I would love her forever if she decided to look my way".

No words can express how much I love her even now. Her presence still puts a smile on my face that I can't control. For what it's worth I'm glad I'm still able to love her because she is my friend. The best friend that I ever had. I don't care what others say and I don't care what others think and I don't care if she doesn't feel the same way as I do because just like not being able to make a person love you, you can't chose who you fall in love with

Sounds like I'm clingy doesn't it? Well guess what? I don't believe in only loving one person. I'll love that girl forever for sure but I'll love the next person just as much if not more. What's happened has happaned and I'm not in denial anymore, I appreciate the time together as we've grown better and wiser for it. She has taught me how to love, that I'm capable of being loved and the reality of committing to that special someone.

I love you and I always will. If I had a chance to do over I would just because of the great times we've had together. I never regretted a moment with you and I just wish I could spend more time with you

PS I know you don't even check dA anymore but just on the off chance you actually read this then yes, just because you're in lala land again you should come see me more biyach, or at least introduce me to a nice girl so I can also goto lala land

PS x 2 go watch "17 again" guys if you're a sucker for movies like "Suddeny 30".